I had my first experience of ecstatic dance during my opening ceremony of the yoga teacher training. Initially I felt awkward, uncomfortable and out of place. We were a bunch of grown ass adults dancing around like raving lunatics, screaming, shouting, moving, jumping and sweating up a storm. I felt out of place. I started to feel self conscious and incapable of losing myself in the music. The lay out of our class was like so; 

Step 1: meditate and try to clear the mind

Step 2: start to shake the body to a jungle type tune

Step 3: lose yourself in the music

Step 4: become still and allow yourself to be with your energy

Step 5: music starts and you do it all again, in whatever way your body tells you to

I often blame my inability to lose myself in music on being a dancer who only ever followed choreography but it’s more than that. I’m in a place where I’m uncomfortable in my body, it’s changing and I’ve never coped well with that unless it’s getting smaller. I’m still suffering from my anxiety that got the better of me in July. I’m conscious of what other people think of my dancing. 

My first experience of ecstatic dance was eye opening, awkward and left me excited to try it out again. I cried. I laughed. I felt it all and was really uncertain of how it all came about.

I signed up to my second ecstatic dance meditation and I was simply blown away. The setting was magical. We used the yoga studio we are training in but with only fairy lights and music at the front of the room along with our teacher. It was so peaceful and serene stepping into the room. When I walked in I was told I wouldn’t be allowed to use my phone which I was overjoyed about as I’m trying to disconnect more and more from it. I took my seat cross legged on the floor, closed my eyes and settled in for an hour and a half of ecstatic dance meditation.

Our teacher guided us to be still and spoke about our monkey minds (my most favourite phrase from this whole experience). We started our class with jibberish meditation (they really do have a name for everything), where we literally spoke only jibberish and no actual language. The group were making some hilarious noises and there was so much laughter. We repeated this and I was in stitches laughing, actual tears streaming down my face. Next, we did some laughter meditation (exactly what it says on the tin). We repeated this. If you had told me a few months ago that this was something I’d be into, I’d never have believed it. Just simply laughing and making strange noises with a bunch of people I’ve never met, sitting in the dark had me feeling joy, happiness, peace and gratitude. I didn’t expect this at all.

Next step, we started our shaking to begin creating energy in our bodies. This is the step that has the most profound effect on me. I cry uncontrollably when we do this. We shake our bodies as much as we can and as soon as I start I am hysterically crying. There is this overwhelming feeling that I need to cry and let out all of my pain and upset. This time as I cried I definitely felt sad for all the real connections I wasn’t allowing myself to make. There are incredible people around me in this school, ready to love and support me and I am afraid to show them who I really am, or afraid to open up too much to them in case I break down and cry. I hadn’t hugged anyone since I got here. I felt all this as I shook my body and got transformed into a free moving, liquid body dancing to the beat. As the music changed, so did my movement. I became more fluid, more confident and more comfortable in my body. I even felt sexy. True sexiness. I wondered what had possessed me to be cruel to my body over the last couple of years with men, drink and general disregard. This is all flowing out of me in movement as I dance deeper and deeper into the music. I’m on a roller coaster with every changing tune and it’s one of the best rides I’ve ever been on.

The teacher guided us in and out of music, stillness and noise making. It all ended with some seriously cool jungle music and then we sat on the floor absorbing the energy and taking our time to relax and breath.

I left that room on a complete high. I had an incredible journey in one and a half hours. Ecstatic dance in something everyone should try a couple of times, not just once because it takes more than one time to feel comfortable. I thought of how good this could have been for me on a Sunday night in London, as I dread the following day of work. We, in the western world just don’t incorporate these types of practises into our daily lives. It’s something I hope I can change in a small community of a school in the future.