So today is my 3 month anniversary of being smoke free (December 28th 2019)! It was touch and go twice on this trip, both times being drunk out of my mind and very proud to say I didn’t cave in! 

I hoped I wouldn’t be smoking when I hit 30, no one ever does. You never actually think at the age of 14 that you’ll be smoking forever. You know it’s bad then and you know it’s bad every time you wake up with the taste of cigarettes in your mouth and the smell off your clothes. No one ever says “I’ll be smoking for the rest of my life” (or if they do, I’ve never met them). 

Since the age of 14 , the longest I’ve given up smoking was 8 months. I remember giving them up when I was 18/19 because my ex hated them and I thought it was a good excuse. I used to buy those disgusting herbal cigarettes you can get in Holland and Barrett, that they use in Theatre and they smell like fish. They’re actually disgusting! I can’t remember why I went back on them but I did. 

By the time I moved to Berlin at the age of 20 I was back smoking full time. In Berlin there is a smoking ban, but there isn’t a smoking ban. I was able to smoke in every club and pub and it was cheap so why bother trying to give up?

In my 20s I dipped in and out of being a social smoker and a full time smoker. Any time I was anxious I’d eat a pack of fags and think it was doing me the world of good. I’d drink every weekend so I’d smoke every weekend. It was just a never ending cycle. 

As I travelled Central and South America I turned into an everyday smoker again. Cigarettes were so cheap and sure I was drinking beer or wine almost every day so I’d have a few fags with it. When I got back to London and I was in a long distance stressful relationship, I constantly smoked. I couldn’t wait to get that 1st fag of the day which I’d have in my car on the way home from school. It was ridiculous!

By the time I had my break down in June 2019, I was smoking so much. I wasn’t eating, because that’s how my anxiety works. I can’t eat and I lose a load of weight. I was 30 and I was still smoking but I had made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t smoke in yoga school. The rules were that you don’t smoke or drink on site. So I was planning on having a huge detox for myself. No booze, no fags and no caffiene.

I had my last cigarette in Sri Lanka after I had a small scooter accident and was absolutely shook to pieces. I had been sick with my throat and knew smoking wasn’t a good idea but I NEEDED it! My last cigarette was September 28th 2019. I went cold turkey. I brought nicotine gum in case I needed it in yoga school but the sachets sit untouched in my bag here in Thailand. 

I wanted cigarettes in Nasik while I was battered on wine and I wanted them on Phi Phi Island when I was also maggoty drunk. I’ve managed to be strong and not smoke at all. I am better off for it money wise, health wise, both physical and mental. I hope I can continue to stay clear of them but I am also practising patience and compassion for myself. Meaning, if I get silly one night and smoke, it’s not the end of the world. I just start again, but I’m feeling confident in myself that I can quit these for good this time!